Monthly Archives: October 2012

Tears for a Heart Not Yet Broken

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We went today for a 4D ultrasound. We were so eager to see “Tulip” but, alas, she was too stubborn to show her face (or maybe just too camera shy). She posed like a deep thinker and Rosie the Riveter and kept her head completely turned the whole time – despite coaxing words, and movements and nudges. Our stubborn little girl just wouldn’t budge to give us a glimpse. We at least do know now that she has a head full of hair and we still got to see some of her 🙂

On the car ride home we were talking about how crazy it is to think that this little gift already has her own personality. Then that turned into thoughts about learned behaviors and things we’re born with. There are so many differences to our personalities that it’s really a coin toss but fun to try to imagine what/who she’ll be like. I’m sure she’ll have a little attitude from me and probably a little fight from my husband. He’s hoping she’ll be able to hunt with him and I’m hoping she’ll also have compassion for animals the way I do at the same time. Hey I’m not a PETA member or anything – as much as I love nature, even I realize there’s a difference between hunting/learning survival skills and killing animals. I clean fish, I’ve helped butcher deer, and I’ve killed  & cleaned chickens so I’m not a total ninny. So her odds seem pretty good honey, don’t worry.

Maybe her pose today was already a little indication about who she’ll be: A deep thinker. The quiet and smart type. Calm but stubborn. A strong hard worker…A little bit of both of us already perhaps? It all brought me to the thought of how this sweet little girl who is not even here yet is going to get her heart broken some day by something and eventually someone…and that when that happens it’s going to break my heart too. I have years before I even have to worry about this but my mother’s concern set in and away in worry my brain traveled:

What if she can’t handle hunting and gutting a deer with Daddy? Well that may break his heart too but, personally, I’m still betting on the odds being she’ll be gutting deer and cleaning fish with both of us.

What if she is so tender hearted and cries during every movie or is hurt by the ways of the world like me? (Enter Reba’s song “What Do You Say”) I can’t hide her from the world and I can’t desensitize her to it’s many challenges and disunities.

Hell, what do we do when we lose her first childhood pet? (Judging by my own recent reaction to losing  our cat Punkin’ I can’t imagine being strong but then I hope that I can in some way be that for her)

What will I do to keep her from becoming dulled by the world when she gets let down? So many people become bitter because of life instead of impassioned.

It’s funny how maternal instincts work. Here this child is not even here yet and I sat in the car crying for a broken heart that hasn’t even beat outside of the womb yet;  already prepared to protect her at all costs. I’ve cried during every ultrasound so far. I can’t even imagine what I would have done had she turned and showed us her face today.

There are so many people in this world that just float through not caring about anything or contemplating their meaning in life or the big picture; so many people that take things for granted. I pray that this child has compassion, yet conviction. Purpose but also patience. Happiness with just the right balance of heartache to keep her humble but not hateful to the world. Honesty and integrity. Intelligence and inspiration without indifference.

Parenting is such a blessing and a miracle. To know that we have such an influence on someone’s life is also scary as hell. Yet even despite all the things that we will arm her with for the world, she will still be her own person – maybe some of me, maybe some of daddy, maybe some of her aunts, uncles or grandparents  but any way you roll it, still uniquely her. We waited so long to get to this point in our life trying to be sure we were ready and prepared for the seriousness of it all and still here we sit so unprepared for these new emotions and challenges but yet so ready to try and to defend, protect and love this little angel.

I can wait for the heartache, I can wait for the heartbreak, I can wait for the tearful questions about the fairness of the world but I can’t wait to see your little face, hold your tiny hands in mine and protect you and love you for the rest of my life. So I’ll take it all without a second of doubt because I realize it’s a package deal. And when these questions all come to be reality, I only hope I don’t let you down.

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Relationships

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We’ve all questioned relationships and have grown apart from friends / lovers. To think that marriage or best friends are immune to that risk is just unrealistic. Even marriages that do stay together tend to go through phases of uncertainty too. It’s just a matter of whether or not they’ve decided to deal with and work through it…and ultimately if it gets better or not. Sometimes it does and a lot of times it just doesn’t. Friendships part and so do marriages because of it. Some friendships require more than others. You know the story of the BFF’s that were apart for years and met up one day and carried on like no time had passed.

Every marriage and friendship also has times where things slow down and other things take your attention. So you need to know when someone is just consumed with other things or if it’s really done. Sometimes if you spend too much time with someone you need a little distance. That doesn’t mean they’re not your friend anymore. There’s a big difference. I think that the only thing that could make someone decide to actually physically leave a relationship and detach is either a change of character on their part or that they realize or a character trait in you that they never really noticed before and ultimately just decide it’s not compatible with theirs and it can’t be overlooked.  And we’re not talking something as trivial as you liking mayonnaise versus Miracle Whip (unless they’re a total nut in which case you needed to get some distance anyway). The older we get the more we develop in what we believe in, what we stand for, what we want to surround ourselves with and it’s what changes our courses for those connections with friends and lovers. Sometimes it takes realizing those things in ourselves to be able to see them or the lack thereof more clearly in others.

I think that we put a lot of emphasis on the attention we get as women. And I also think that we are the most self-sufficient creature while still being the most needy. That’s why men have a hard time understanding us. We want to be strong and independent but we also want someone to shower attention and love on us. Some people require more attention than others though too. So perhaps you need to try to get to the answer of that question and determine if you do need more attention, what is the root cause of why you feel like you need more attention?

What actions led to you feeling that someone wasn’t paying “enough” attention to you in the past?

What specific type of attention were you looking for that you feel you didn’t get?

Was their a connection between the two that triggered your more intense feelings of not being loved enough or given enough attention?

And most importantly, what are the patterns of your actions when you have felt that you weren’t getting enough attention?

(Ie, Do you usually seem to do something self-destructive? Something destructive toward someone else? etc)

And depending on those patterns, what feeling are you left with as the result?

(Ie, Do you get a temporary sense of pride, ego, fulfillment, etc? Sadness, jealousy, depression, melancholy? Etc)

Not to say you must be addicted to hurting yourself or others but, people tend to continue in the patterns they know based on a life experience or experiences until they find a way to break the chain or find the root of what has made them that way and release themselves from it. Sometimes just walking away from a person or situation that has made you that way is not the solution. You can and usually do suffer for years just because of the situation itself until you find a way to retrain your brain. Retraining your brain is the hardest thing to do. There are things it carries in your subconscious that you have no control over until you get to that deeper sense of self to figure it out and then work on it and even then it could take years – and that’s if you alreadyknow the root cause.

People also try to use backtracking as a way to get to the root of their trouble. They try to go back in time and rekindle relationships they had – most of the time subconsciously to see if perhaps it’ll work this time or to find the root of their problem from the first time. If you get to know who you are before you enter into these relationships you won’t be left wondering later if you part ways and trying to rekindle something that will never work. You also aren’t going to find your answer in someone else. You need to find your true self before you can ever expect to be able to carry on a healthy and true relationship with anyone else. Otherwise, you are just bringing your baggage into the relationship and it will ultimately become that divider in the relationship that leads to its demise. (There are plenty of those folks on Facebook who find an old boyfriend from elementary school and try to rekindle something as a “long lost love of her life” only to be let down again and on to the next “soul mate”). The pattern is just going to keep repeating for them until they figure out who they are and repair that kink. You can’t go into a relationship broken and expect it to heal you. 99% of the time it doesn’t work and all you’re going to do is break the relationship.

My best comparison is that drama queens will always be that way until they realize what it is in them that wants to create the drama and realize that even though they get a temporary sense of popularity from being that way, in the end they are left unfulfilled and without close friends. If they’re not interested in ever having a close relationship or friendship then they have no reason to want to find the answers to it. But once they realize it’s not the lifestyle they want and they search for the answers to those questions they usually are freed of the need to create drama and begin to develop more meaningful relationships with others and helping to better their chances of maintaining those more meaningful relationships because they entered into them in a healthier and more knowing/understanding state of mind.

So the simple answer could just be that you don’t know yourself well enough yet and your journey has just simply led to some people not feeling that connection anymore because as you discover yourself and morph into who you are they realize you’re no longer compatible and they detach. Or it could be vice versa and that you detach or do things to show that you’re no longer compatible with people as you start to become you. It doesn’t mean you or the people you know aren’t developed the way they should be. Everyone’s on a different path and going in different speeds. We’re not done becoming who we are until we’re done here and by that time, we’re done & it’s over. So all you can do is continue to find yourself and the bigger meaning in life. People will always come and go through that process. That’s normal. But having a deeper sense of self before entering into those relationships will help you to avoid the ones that are simply destined for destruction and help surround yourself with the type of people that can help your journey rather than hinder it.