Relationships

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We’ve all questioned relationships and have grown apart from friends / lovers. To think that marriage or best friends are immune to that risk is just unrealistic. Even marriages that do stay together tend to go through phases of uncertainty too. It’s just a matter of whether or not they’ve decided to deal with and work through it…and ultimately if it gets better or not. Sometimes it does and a lot of times it just doesn’t. Friendships part and so do marriages because of it. Some friendships require more than others. You know the story of the BFF’s that were apart for years and met up one day and carried on like no time had passed.

Every marriage and friendship also has times where things slow down and other things take your attention. So you need to know when someone is just consumed with other things or if it’s really done. Sometimes if you spend too much time with someone you need a little distance. That doesn’t mean they’re not your friend anymore. There’s a big difference. I think that the only thing that could make someone decide to actually physically leave a relationship and detach is either a change of character on their part or that they realize or a character trait in you that they never really noticed before and ultimately just decide it’s not compatible with theirs and it can’t be overlooked.  And we’re not talking something as trivial as you liking mayonnaise versus Miracle Whip (unless they’re a total nut in which case you needed to get some distance anyway). The older we get the more we develop in what we believe in, what we stand for, what we want to surround ourselves with and it’s what changes our courses for those connections with friends and lovers. Sometimes it takes realizing those things in ourselves to be able to see them or the lack thereof more clearly in others.

I think that we put a lot of emphasis on the attention we get as women. And I also think that we are the most self-sufficient creature while still being the most needy. That’s why men have a hard time understanding us. We want to be strong and independent but we also want someone to shower attention and love on us. Some people require more attention than others though too. So perhaps you need to try to get to the answer of that question and determine if you do need more attention, what is the root cause of why you feel like you need more attention?

What actions led to you feeling that someone wasn’t paying “enough” attention to you in the past?

What specific type of attention were you looking for that you feel you didn’t get?

Was their a connection between the two that triggered your more intense feelings of not being loved enough or given enough attention?

And most importantly, what are the patterns of your actions when you have felt that you weren’t getting enough attention?

(Ie, Do you usually seem to do something self-destructive? Something destructive toward someone else? etc)

And depending on those patterns, what feeling are you left with as the result?

(Ie, Do you get a temporary sense of pride, ego, fulfillment, etc? Sadness, jealousy, depression, melancholy? Etc)

Not to say you must be addicted to hurting yourself or others but, people tend to continue in the patterns they know based on a life experience or experiences until they find a way to break the chain or find the root of what has made them that way and release themselves from it. Sometimes just walking away from a person or situation that has made you that way is not the solution. You can and usually do suffer for years just because of the situation itself until you find a way to retrain your brain. Retraining your brain is the hardest thing to do. There are things it carries in your subconscious that you have no control over until you get to that deeper sense of self to figure it out and then work on it and even then it could take years – and that’s if you alreadyknow the root cause.

People also try to use backtracking as a way to get to the root of their trouble. They try to go back in time and rekindle relationships they had – most of the time subconsciously to see if perhaps it’ll work this time or to find the root of their problem from the first time. If you get to know who you are before you enter into these relationships you won’t be left wondering later if you part ways and trying to rekindle something that will never work. You also aren’t going to find your answer in someone else. You need to find your true self before you can ever expect to be able to carry on a healthy and true relationship with anyone else. Otherwise, you are just bringing your baggage into the relationship and it will ultimately become that divider in the relationship that leads to its demise. (There are plenty of those folks on Facebook who find an old boyfriend from elementary school and try to rekindle something as a “long lost love of her life” only to be let down again and on to the next “soul mate”). The pattern is just going to keep repeating for them until they figure out who they are and repair that kink. You can’t go into a relationship broken and expect it to heal you. 99% of the time it doesn’t work and all you’re going to do is break the relationship.

My best comparison is that drama queens will always be that way until they realize what it is in them that wants to create the drama and realize that even though they get a temporary sense of popularity from being that way, in the end they are left unfulfilled and without close friends. If they’re not interested in ever having a close relationship or friendship then they have no reason to want to find the answers to it. But once they realize it’s not the lifestyle they want and they search for the answers to those questions they usually are freed of the need to create drama and begin to develop more meaningful relationships with others and helping to better their chances of maintaining those more meaningful relationships because they entered into them in a healthier and more knowing/understanding state of mind.

So the simple answer could just be that you don’t know yourself well enough yet and your journey has just simply led to some people not feeling that connection anymore because as you discover yourself and morph into who you are they realize you’re no longer compatible and they detach. Or it could be vice versa and that you detach or do things to show that you’re no longer compatible with people as you start to become you. It doesn’t mean you or the people you know aren’t developed the way they should be. Everyone’s on a different path and going in different speeds. We’re not done becoming who we are until we’re done here and by that time, we’re done & it’s over. So all you can do is continue to find yourself and the bigger meaning in life. People will always come and go through that process. That’s normal. But having a deeper sense of self before entering into those relationships will help you to avoid the ones that are simply destined for destruction and help surround yourself with the type of people that can help your journey rather than hinder it.

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About stephrader

I am a new mom who went from managing a fast paced legal office to the 24/7 lifestyle of a stay-at-home-mom. I am inspired by everything and writing has always been my outlet. I love that each day offers something new, exciting, breathtaking, philosophical, tasty, funny and yes, sometimes even sad. Check out my blog 'The Write Side of Life'.

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