Tears for a Heart Not Yet Broken


We went today for a 4D ultrasound. We were so eager to see “Tulip” but, alas, she was too stubborn to show her face (or maybe just too camera shy). She posed like a deep thinker and Rosie the Riveter and kept her head completely turned the whole time – despite coaxing words, and movements and nudges. Our stubborn little girl just wouldn’t budge to give us a glimpse. We at least do know now that she has a head full of hair and we still got to see some of her 🙂

On the car ride home we were talking about how crazy it is to think that this little gift already has her own personality. Then that turned into thoughts about learned behaviors and things we’re born with. There are so many differences to our personalities that it’s really a coin toss but fun to try to imagine what/who she’ll be like. I’m sure she’ll have a little attitude from me and probably a little fight from my husband. He’s hoping she’ll be able to hunt with him and I’m hoping she’ll also have compassion for animals the way I do at the same time. Hey I’m not a PETA member or anything – as much as I love nature, even I realize there’s a difference between hunting/learning survival skills and killing animals. I clean fish, I’ve helped butcher deer, and I’ve killed  & cleaned chickens so I’m not a total ninny. So her odds seem pretty good honey, don’t worry.

Maybe her pose today was already a little indication about who she’ll be: A deep thinker. The quiet and smart type. Calm but stubborn. A strong hard worker…A little bit of both of us already perhaps? It all brought me to the thought of how this sweet little girl who is not even here yet is going to get her heart broken some day by something and eventually someone…and that when that happens it’s going to break my heart too. I have years before I even have to worry about this but my mother’s concern set in and away in worry my brain traveled:

What if she can’t handle hunting and gutting a deer with Daddy? Well that may break his heart too but, personally, I’m still betting on the odds being she’ll be gutting deer and cleaning fish with both of us.

What if she is so tender hearted and cries during every movie or is hurt by the ways of the world like me? (Enter Reba’s song “What Do You Say”) I can’t hide her from the world and I can’t desensitize her to it’s many challenges and disunities.

Hell, what do we do when we lose her first childhood pet? (Judging by my own recent reaction to losing  our cat Punkin’ I can’t imagine being strong but then I hope that I can in some way be that for her)

What will I do to keep her from becoming dulled by the world when she gets let down? So many people become bitter because of life instead of impassioned.

It’s funny how maternal instincts work. Here this child is not even here yet and I sat in the car crying for a broken heart that hasn’t even beat outside of the womb yet;  already prepared to protect her at all costs. I’ve cried during every ultrasound so far. I can’t even imagine what I would have done had she turned and showed us her face today.

There are so many people in this world that just float through not caring about anything or contemplating their meaning in life or the big picture; so many people that take things for granted. I pray that this child has compassion, yet conviction. Purpose but also patience. Happiness with just the right balance of heartache to keep her humble but not hateful to the world. Honesty and integrity. Intelligence and inspiration without indifference.

Parenting is such a blessing and a miracle. To know that we have such an influence on someone’s life is also scary as hell. Yet even despite all the things that we will arm her with for the world, she will still be her own person – maybe some of me, maybe some of daddy, maybe some of her aunts, uncles or grandparents  but any way you roll it, still uniquely her. We waited so long to get to this point in our life trying to be sure we were ready and prepared for the seriousness of it all and still here we sit so unprepared for these new emotions and challenges but yet so ready to try and to defend, protect and love this little angel.

I can wait for the heartache, I can wait for the heartbreak, I can wait for the tearful questions about the fairness of the world but I can’t wait to see your little face, hold your tiny hands in mine and protect you and love you for the rest of my life. So I’ll take it all without a second of doubt because I realize it’s a package deal. And when these questions all come to be reality, I only hope I don’t let you down.


About stephrader

I am a new mom who went from managing a fast paced legal office to the 24/7 lifestyle of a stay-at-home-mom. I am inspired by everything and writing has always been my outlet. I love that each day offers something new, exciting, breathtaking, philosophical, tasty, funny and yes, sometimes even sad. Check out my blog 'The Write Side of Life'.

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