Having a baby definitely creates a much deeper sense of love…and anxiety. We now have our own little person to raise and it’s so important – now more than ever – to make decisions that will enable what we envision for our family and what we hope for her. From the moment I had her my battle with decisions went from the background of my mind to a heavy beating nuisance front and center.
I always thought I knew what I wanted in life and then things happen and your path goes a different way and you begin to adjust to it being that way until something else happens and then you’re faced with choices of the life you once dreamed about and the life you now have and know and have grown comfortable and confident in. The dream has more risks and far greater consequences that set off alarms in any cautious mother’s mind. Both have stresses and both have benefits. One may even be semi-dependent on the other unless something else pans out. With so much relying on other things, who can ever know? There’s a lot happening though and choices to be made that could take our lives in totally different directions and have a multitude of different outcomes for us that I’m just not sure what to do.
Some decisions weren’t as hard as I thought and though things have happened since making them to try to convince me otherwise, I am confident they were the right decisions and that those resistances I am seeing will mellow out or completely disappear as things move forward. What reassures me is that at least I know I made the best decision for her. I can take comfort in knowing that and stand by my decision because of it.
Other decisions aren’t so easy and are plagued with uncertainties, fears and just flat out paranoia. Ever since I had Adriana I have been filled with this immense anxiety about ever leaving her. I get separation anxiety just from someone else holding her. Needless to say the thought of returning to work can set off full blown panic attacks (I’m not kidding). I won’t lie – I tear up at the very thought of it.
We have been planning to move to Indiana for a couple years now. There are lots of things that need to happen to make this possible though – including getting a second home mortgage (which would likely require my proof of income too since our current mortgage on this house is still pretty new). I know that we hadn’t found the right property before getting pregnant but now that we are seeing things that we may want, I feel like having a child makes it that much harder to take a risk. And, not to mention, then there’s the question of “Did this child come to us to tell us we need to get things moving quicker or to tell us to slow down it’s not time yet?”
I believe that everything happens for a reason and that there are signs for us but I also believe that we can muddle up what those reasons and signs are with our own thoughts. So naturally my paranoia then turns into “How do I know what to do and what is me interfering with what to do?”.
I envy those people that dare to take chances knowing they’ll be okay no matter what. Granted, I know a lot of people are dependent on others and know there will be someone for them to fall back on if they fail. Those are not the people I am referring to here. I’m talking about those who are confident and faithful enough to take a risk knowing that if they fail they have to find a way to fix it on their own. Maybe it’s a matter of faith or about trusting your surroundings more but all I can think is that if we take a leap and things fail, that’s it and we’re doomed. No one is going to show up with a magic ticket to solve our problems and, worse, we now have a baby that would suffer at the hand of a bad decision.
All I know is that since (and including) having Adriana, things are happening lately that all seem to be pointing in a direction for us. Now I am just afraid that it’s just me misinterpreting these things. If you read too much into the signs around you, you can find an answer for either side in just about everything depending on how you interpret it. I have tried to welcome some serious soul searching here but again, I just can’t differentiate what path to choose because I know my over thinking self gets mixed up in all this too.
* How do I trust my feelings and learn to leap?
* How do I know what to do when its scale of possible outcomes range from ultimate positive to extreme negative?
* When each of my certainties are countered with an uncertainty, how can I make clear decisions?
* How do you get rid of a crippling fear of change?
* How do you release the fear of failure?
* How do you learn to suck it up and take a chance?
* What the hell should we do?
And of course there’s: What if? What if? What if?