A Pope No More & Hollywood’s Favorite Mystery City


So was anyone else worried when the Pope announced his retirement that maybe it meant somewhere in this world someone has given birth to Satan’s spawn and the end of days is approaching? Like the Vatican, knowing all this underground, serious, ancient stuff saw it coming and Pope Benedict just didn’t want to be the one in office when the shit hit the fan so he got the hell out of dodge? Did someone from another branch of the church or a secret society of the Vatican come to the papacy to tip him off on the birth and the beginning of the end? For some reason when I think of this I can hear Arnold Schwarznegger’s voice mixed with gregorian monks singing in the background of an ancient city warning of the doom approaching and the baby born with the devil’s mark. I mean, it’s the first time this has happened in 600 years. 600 years! So obviously some crazy shit went down back then too.

There’s so much mystery and history associated with the papacy and the Vatican it’s hard not to wonder if maybe there’s something more. Watching the footage of his helicopter leaving Vatican City to Castel Gandolfo I kept waiting to spot Edward Cullen hiding in the shadows under a clock tower. (Oh wait, that’s Volterra). Castel Gandolfo – a place where the “Pope emeritus” will pretty much be sequestered while the next decisions are made before he can retire to the monastery Mater Ecclessiae- doesn’t it just seem a bit weird like they are wanting to keep him from spilling the beans to the rest of us that Hellboy is on the loose? (Enter movie man voice): “Who will be next?”

It’s a pretty big deal I guess and there’s so much speculation about who’s next to take his place too. I remember being a kid watching news castings about Pope John Paul II who was the pope my whole life until Benedict took over. I always thought that Robin Williams could play a good Pope John Paul II.

And what’s the crowd like in the monastery anyway? Like are Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau punking one another and being miserable old coots. Switching suppositories with hearing aids and hiding dentures. Hmm, they’re not with us anymore though so I guess seeing them around would symbolize a totally different retirement. Man, those two were hilarious together.

Okay, maybe I’ve watched too many movies. So anyway, best wishes Pope Benedict on your retirement! I hope there is more to look forward to in the retirement community of the monastery than Bingo and Meatloaf Tuesdays.

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