It’s been a week since my back trouble started. Been to the chiropractor every day since Monday but it’s Good Friday today so they are closed until next week. I had hoped I’d be able to walk on my own by Easter since we have a ton of places to go but, alas, that isn’t going to be the case. I can sit with a little more comfort than before but I’m still not able to stand up or put any weight on my leg. It’s so ridiculous how simply these things can happen and how long they can take to fix. The doc says this appears to be sciatica and L4-L5 / L5-S1 ruptured disc. All the diagrams I found say L1-L2 usually are what cause hip pain too so we won’t know for sure until I get an MRI but even then the treatment is the same as the regimen they’ve already got me on so the only difference that will make is telling us where the sources are. He swears he can make it better but it’ll just take time. The only thing that’ll make it feel better in the meantime is pain meds and l don’t want to go that route because they don’t actually help anything. They just make it worse by making you feel better when you’re not so you hurt the injury more and then have to keep taking the pills. Plus I’m breastfeeding so it’s not even an option to me. Come Monday it’ll just be daily visits to the chiropractor again and physical therapy I can start to do from home little by little. Until then, I just have to be patient and have faith.
Today is a day dedicated to faith. It’s Good Friday. My patience and faith have been tested all week with this injury. My faith in the goodness of people was tested by the whole work situation. My faith in my family had been tarnished very badly for a long time over the years. Faith in general can be a tricky thing sometimes. The friends you think you have that let you down can chip away at your faith. Family can do the same. You can work so hard at something and give your all and in the end be made to feel like it didn’t matter or just wasn’t appreciated. The important thing is that you don’t lose faith in yourself or God. God put your here for an intended purpose and you may not know why yet but you have to have faith.
I doubted the decision I had made about work for a while because I fear change and whether we will be able to get by. Yet faith (and continued bulldookie I’ve had to deal with from the office since leaving) is telling me every day that it was the right decision and I’m growing more and more easy with it.
I worried over the situation with my family and the broken bridge between my mother, grandmother and I. Yet, I made the decision to let my mother into my daughter’s life and, in doing so, mine again as well. I then started to worry if I made the right decision with that too. The bond may never be mended between my mother and grandmother but this injury has shown me that they can both love me and be there for me separately. It sucks it has to be that way and who knows what the future holds but for now, I have to be content with that and appreciative for the small progresses. For as easy as it may be to say bad things of a person and as hurt as I was by the whole situation, I can honestly say that my mother has shown nothing but love to my daughter and that she has been there for me and helped me so much these past few weeks that I know I made the right decision here and God is showing me that in a way I can understand. It doesn’t undo the past and some wounds may never heal but it helps to move on with the future.
The hurt that I felt before from so many things has dwindled and I realize it’s because it’s not important to hang on to anymore. There is so much more joy to feel here in the moments God is giving me. I woke up with my baby this morning who was all smiles at the ceiling fan. The fan that wasn’t even on but apparently is one funny S.O.B. I stared at it with her waiting for the moment it hit me too then contemplating if this was just some inside joke I didn’t understand. She woke with so much happiness at practically nothing though and this restored my faith completely. If she can find such joy in so little I don’t want to miss that opportunity either or fail to see all the joy around me. You know, the whole “seeing the forest through the trees” thing.
I have to have faith that something better is coming. Work was just stress and money. Neither are worth sacrificing these moments. Work and money will be there to be made when I’m ready again. Hell, I just read a story about a guy that fakes being a handicap bum and makes $60,000 – $100,000 every year from it. I’m a hardworking honest person so I know I will be able to do well when the time comes. In the meantime, once I feel better obviously, I can start using my creative gene to make some money here and there I’m sure. Things will be pretty tight for us for a while but it’s worth it.
The point is that even as fearful as I was before, I have faith in the decision we made and where God is taking us. I am so thankful that I can see the Grace of God in something as pure and simple as my little girl’s smile and that such a small act can remind me what it’s really all about and reassure me so deeply.
I know religion can be a tricky thing to delve into for some and far be it from me to “preach” to people but, if this day is intended to celebrate the gift of life that God and Jesus gave to humankind, the sacrifice of Himself for us, His willingness to forego his life and His faith that something great awaited him, then I think it should be easy enough for us to appreciate all that we’ve been given and have faith in ourselves and the plans He has for us in our lives as well.
So on this Good Friday, in addition to everything it is intended to mean for everyone – whether a religious observance or just a start to the weekend – I also hope each of you find your faith in yourselves and have faith in the road that lies ahead of you. Do all you can to be a good person and treat others well and don’t let their mistreatment of you make you falter. Don’t forget to enjoy the moments you’re given or get caught up in what’s not important. Don’t hang on to grief that will only hinder your travels on the road onward and upward. Let it go. God has so much more planned for you. Just have faith.