Torture Experts


I think that most of the horror films have been inspired by visits to the chiropractors and dentists. In today’s medicine you think of all this high-tech equipment. Heck my doctor’s office doesn’t even use paper files anymore – there’s a computer in every patient room and everything is typed right onto their server. There’s open MRI’s and and surgeries that can be performed with a teeny tiny little hole and a laser scope. Then there’s dentistry and chiropractic care – a field that has stayed with the tried and true since it began. Dental tools that look as archaic and painful as any of the Saw movies make you feel. My prior experience with chiropractors was pretty limited but I’m learning now that chiropractic treatment can also make you feel like a victim of the Salem Witch Trials.

My visits to the chiropractor since hurting my back include TENS unit stimulation which I guess is one of their more high tech gadgets but then always move on to the old school adjustment, traction, and, a new item on my regimen – “The Rack”. The Rack is a table where you are strapped by your chest and waist and then pulled apart. Spinal decompression. Basically the same effect as an inversion table (which I have at home) but not as intense and able to be gradually increased in poundage.

After I was strapped on to the table I had a brief moment of terror thinking of an unexpected mechanical mishap that would result in me being ripped in half. I thought of my husband and little baby out in the waiting room…and that all this hard work at breastfeeding and avoiding pain meds would be wasted when I’m dead and they have to feed her formula anyway. Thankfully, just like any other relationship that involves being strapped down to a bed, “The Rack” came with it’s own safe word…an automatic shut off switch. The nurse must’ve seen the look on my face when I was laying there helpless waiting for the pull and handed me the power button attached to a cord. Just in case it got too painful it would shut the machine off immediately…Or piss it off and make it decide to malfunction and increase the poundage ripping me to shreds. The she added that it’s “real sensitive so be careful”. I stared at the red button on the cord and said a prayer. I thought about Googling accidents at the chiropractor but decided if I planned to keep going that I probably shouldn’t. Plus I didn’t want to drop the power trigger and seal my fate as a two piece human.

It all started with the TENS unit (which I still had reservations about because you never know when electrical currents flowing through your body will just short out and fry your ass). Then the manual traction table that sways up and down and side to side. That was simple enough and probably the least scary. Some manual adjustments which make me nervous because I can never fully relax and trust someone when they’re about to crack my neck because I’m worried they’ll end up snapping it. Now it’s “The Rack” too. It seems like the more I go, the more gadgetry they pull out for me. When she didn’t start water boarding me and the pressure was only slight I calmed down a bit at least. I’m kinda nervous about what they’ve still got in store for me though. One thing I do know is I’ve added ‘Chiropractor’ to my list of people NOT to piss off.

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