You would think as many times as it happens that I would have finally realized it by now. You can’t constantly go against the nature of things and expect that your’e somehow going to change its plans. No amount of planning you can do will stop unplanned things from happening.
I have been a planner my whole life. I love to organize. I love to make lists. I have lists of lists. I was a young Martha Stewart before she even blew up on the scene to take over the world along with Oprah. Seriously, I used organize my books, movies and cassette tapes (remember those?) and CD’s alphabetically, organize my closet by type and color, and even iron out my dollar bills as a kid before I could put them in my wallet. O-R-G-A-N-I-Z-E-D…okay and maybe a little O-C-D.
Ironically my least favorite time of the year was also my favorite: School time. I have some serious abandonment issues and I always freaked out on the first day of school thinking my family would move while I was there and I’d come home to an empty house. To my credit, we did move like 8 times before I was even in second grade. I was always late to class on the first day because I would spend the morning hyperventilating and then another hour in the school bathroom once we got there a blubbering tear and snot faced kid while my mom wiped my face with a cold hand towel trying to calm me down and make me presentable. Even though the night before school had me sick to my stomach and the morning of the first day always had me late from a panic attack, the weeks before school when we got to buy new paper and pens and folders were the best to me. I have an unnatural fetish with supplies. Getting a new pen is exciting to me. My husband actually has gotten me pens as stocking stuffers for several Christmases…and I totally loved it.
When I wasn’t writing poetry as a teenager I was making lists and planning. I had whole notebook long lists of things ranging from “traits I want and don’t want in my future husband” to “names of my future children” to “places I want to see someday”. I still make lists of everything – grocery lists, agendas, elaborate menus, gift to buy, things I want, music lists, books lists, recipe lists, task lists, bills lists, christmas lists of gotten and given, you name it. And God forbid I throw a party – then there’s guest lists, shopping lists, food lists, gift lists, thank you reminder lists, etc. For my wedding I had an itinerary list, a to do list, a music list, a guest list, etc. It took me two years to settle on a date because I had no way of planning what day would be sunny and clear for an outdoor wedding. And I still to this day wish I would have given it more time after settling on the date to put the rest of it together more. At least the date I definitely got right because it was perfect weather. You would think I’d have my funeral planned already. But c’mon, that’s just weird. 😉
Yet, even with all the planning, very seldom do things go just as planned. Well for starters, I didn’t become that famous planner to the stars I had envisioned. Also that 50 page long list of traits I wanted my Prince Charming to have, my husband probably meets only a page or so. We also didn’t have our little girl when I was 25 but instead when I was 30 and had just about given up on the idea. Still there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s my soul mate and that my precious little girl was well worth the wait (even though 30 year old bodies don’t bounce back the same). Shows what I knew.
When we made the decision for me to quit my job and focus on my family and home I had this whole plan already started about how I’d be spending my time. Between baby time and tending and coupon clipping, weekly menu planning and lunch making, house cleaning and organizing, crafting and blogging, and of course starting an intense workout regimen to lose all this baby weight, I had everything covered and was set to hit the ground running. So it’s no wonder I woke up the first day of my new life and couldn’t move.
There are so many lessons in life and the biggest blessing you could have is to actually see the reason for and learn from those lessons. While I have no way of knowing with 100% certainty that this is what God is trying to tell me, I have a pretty good idea just based on the huge sigh of relief and lightness my shoulders felt this morning after putting it all into perspective.
So God is telling me to slow down and just let things flow. I get it. Quit trying to plan my life so I can actually enjoy the life that’s waiting for me. It’s okay to be a control freak who likes to organize and list everything but just remember that sometimes you may be able to check off that whole list but sometimes the only thing that may actually get accomplished on the list is making the list itself. It’s great to have a plan – especially on a new budget – but you can’t always plan for the unexpected. It’s been torture not being able to do anything these past three weeks but, I realize now that I’ve had some awesome one-on-one time with my baby. I’ve been able to work with her on her day and night routines and she’s sleeping through the night. My family has gotten closer. And, even though I was forced to, I have also been able to get some rest and relax my mind a bit which, I’ll admit, was totally necessary because I was about a day away from blowing a gasket in my brain. So thanks God. I get it. I’ll try to keep that in mind in the future.
Oh and P.S. I also think that you may be trying to help prepare us for what a toddler will be like by having our dog act like a crazed animal lately what with getting into everything and getting out of everything and needing to be constantly watched…but can we just hold off on that for a little while longer? We do have a little while before the baby’s in her terrible twos after all. 🙂 Thanks!
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