Me & FYE

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A weird thing happened this week. I got a message from someone on Facebook concerned and wanting to be sure that I’m okay based on some e-cards and posts I had been liking on other friends/blogs pages and some that I shared on my own blog page recently and also wanting to be sure none of it was about them. Except it was a really intense email. Well, for those that don’t know me, I don’t do really intense very lightly. I tend to give it the intensity it requires (which basically means I take it to heart and spend loads of time seriously analyzing it).

First of all, I think that Facebook must be a troll. I just don’t understand what the benefit is of my friends knowing that I liked or commented on so-and-so’s status today that had to do with their own situations and not mine. But oh well, whatever. I’ve got nothing to hide about what I do on Facebook. When it comes to sharing stuff on my blog page though, I didn’t think it was that strange of a concept: I try to keep in mind that everyone is different and going through different things and try to post things that appeal to everyone – Some they can relate to when they’re having a bad day, some they can laugh at when they’re down, some can motivate or inspire them. I can’t expect everyone to feel the same way I do everyday day after day. We’re all different, are at different intervals and on different paths in life. Besides, what kind of host would I be if I didn’t keep all my guests in mind? ūüôā

One thing is for certain though – It’s pretty obvious when I write, I write how I feel. I vent. I bitch. I pray. I compliment. I encourage. I question. I motivate. I try to inspire. I let it all out. Writing has always been my passion and for once in my life I can actually focus on it and pursue it. It varies in topic and certainly in mood but, it’s all right there in black and white and one thing is for sure: I speak and write how I feel and I put it all out there. I’m not a mystery by any means. The jokes and pictures that I share on my page are for amusement for others to enjoy, relate to, laugh at, agree with, share, etc for what they’re going through with their lives. My writing is to elaborate on what’s going on with mine.

I’m not much of a mystery. I’ve elaborated on everything going through my mind lately. Of everything I’ve written lately the only thing that really is about my life directly (and not all this craziness in the news lately) is this huge love and joy I’m experiencing for my daughter, an irritating back injury that is preventing me from getting a lot done that I had hoped, and also the anger and hurt feelings I had about my job. I thought I had been pretty clear that the anger and resentment I had been feeling lately was over how my employer had treated me; that the aggravation has been over my back injury and that aside from this I have been elated being with my daughter and watching her grow. So now of course, after getting this email, my mind gets fixated on it. I know without a doubt that the person who sent it only had the best of intentions at heart (and admittedly a bit of wine) and I love them very much for caring but it didn’t stop my mind from racing, wondering, trying to figure out why. Why the concern? Why so serious? Even with my anger about work and my back I have been trying to keep it lighthearted. Never too serious. Even the bitchy, sarcastic memes I thought were funny because they’re relatable for anyone that’s been in a similar situation.

After talking to my husband about it, he helped me to see what may be part of it. I’ve dubbed it “Facebook Guilting”. It’s what happens when you aren’t communicating with people directly with more details about what’s going on with you and then posting things on Facebook¬† that make them wonder if the sarcastic or jabbing memes are directed to them. I’ve wondered the same things in the past with other people’s posts. What’s aggravating is that it took me a whole day of being fixated and overanalyzing to see it so simply and then a slew of other emotions before coming to this conclusion but then no confirmation that this is actually what it was. If it was, I am sorry for any confusion or ever making anyone doubt my ability to confront situations head on and question if I have any hostility or anger toward them. But what caused a lot my confusion was that the message also mentioned my mother and¬† seemed to become a correlation to my newly rekindled relationship with her, that I may need to take caution, and kinda making it sound as though I am spending all my time with her and sending a big ‘eff you’ to everyone else (which couldn’t be further from the truth).¬†So it latched on and got under my skin and got me thinking about it all. I felt like I needed to clear it all up to clear up any confusion. So welcome to my thought process…

I will admit I don’t talk to people on the phone very often. I worked on the phone constantly for 11 years. I hate talking on the phone. I rarely call people. I reserve it for times when texting would just be too drawn out or when I’m driving and can’t text. But I also don’t text people unless I have something to ask or actually talk about. I hate bothering people with just a “Hey”. Part of me worries that if I called people all the time to go over the details of my day I’d just become an aggravation to them and I don’t want to be that. This has just been a really weird time in my life right now though because I have been stuck at home. I haven’t been able to go see people since leaving my job and hurting my back because I can’t lug the baby and her carseat and bags on my own yet. I assumed that this was known so it disturbed me to think that I may be giving anyone the impression that I am just too busy with someone else to have time for them anymore but, even more disturbing that they would think I would deliberately do that or be talking negatively about them somehow because I am spending all this imaginary time with someone else – especially when the truth is that I have spent most of the past three months since having the baby by myself…with my daughter…at home (the first two months because I didn’t want to drag her out in the cold so young and this past month because of my injury). I never for one second thought anyone would assume it was because I didn’t want to see anyone. And with regard to my mother, I have seen my mother once every week or two. And actually, if it were’t for her I wouldn’t have even made it to some of the appointments I’ve had! So I can’t be anything but appreciative for that.

I don’t know why I fester on things or let them get to me but I do. And this did. I know what it feels like to be hurt and hate the thought of hurting anyone. ¬†It made me feel like I should feel guilty for some reason. And the trouble with that is that if I’m supposed to feel guilty then I do my time and commit myself to trying to figure out why or what I did and what would make it right. Except in this situation, I couldn’t figure out what the right was because I couldn’t really understand what the wrong was. Should I feel guilty for not calling people more often? Should I feel guilty for not venting to everyone individually about my day (or the aggravations about how “The Minion” has been trying to upset me even after I left the office) so they know when I’m liking or sharing ‘angry woman’ e-cards on Facebook they know it’s not about them? Should I feel guilty about letting my mother back into my life?¬†Obviously after asking myself that last question over and over again for years it was the one that I kept coming back to. It was the one that seemed to be more implied.

It just seems that the whole time I was on the outs with that part of my family everything was fine with these other people in my life. No one questioned if I was okay or not and those closest to me knew I wasn’t. So now when I actually am on the road to getting closure and doing right by my daughter and being happy I feel like these people almost seem to have distanced themselves from me. Like I can’t have both. But maybe that’s just from being cooped up alone for the most part these past few months. Plus, you never know what’s going on with other sides sometimes so I don’t assume people are just avoiding us but when your husband jokes about it, you begin to wonder. And then wonder why. So then to think that someone thinks I have distanced myself from them was awkward and to hear someone’s concern that I need to be cautious or may be going through something or speaking negatively about them too it absolutely freaked me out. I mean, we’re all going through something here aren’t we? It’s called life. We’re all trying to figure it out. It’s all trial and error. We all make mistakes. I’d just like to know when I’ve made one and want to believe that people will trust that I’ll talk to them when I think they have. I never want someone to be sitting around thinking that I’m upset with them and then getting upset with me because of some imaginary upsetness. (Yes I know that’s not a real word).¬†I am not the kind of person that can get an email like this, respond to it to reassure that I’m okay then not get a response back and be okay or let it go. In every debate or confrontation, there has to be a resolution for me to be able to move forward. I hate when things end in silence because I basically feel like the whole situation just lingers and then you wonder if they’re upset with you or they think you’re upset with them, and then both sides just start overanalyzing what the other one is posting on Facebook, and it just drives a wedge between you. Damn Facebook. Plus I hate trying to have a serious conversation with someone via email or text.

So I fester. I analyze. I reread every sentence and go over everything once, twice, three times to try to understand the other person’s perspective. To sympathize. To just make it make sense. One thing I do know is that you can’t ever please everyone. I was reminded of that when I made the decision to even let my mother back into my life and was met with some initial difficulties. Yet, I also realized when I had my baby that I can’t live my life for anyone but me and with the best interest of my daughter until she’s old enough to do the same for herself. That’s why I ultimately made the decision I did and I know that I made the right one. It has been nothing but a positive experience for us all. My grandmother is even at peace with the fact that she’s back in my life and though she may not be ready now or ever to do the same in her life, she accepts that Adri can be loved by them all. I’ve witnessed others have feuds with their family and never for a second condoned, expected or wished that they would remove that person from their life for forever (because I know how that feels) and because it’s just not possible with family. So I can’t imagine why anyone would think or want that with my situation for me or my daughter. Why would it be okay for others to forgive and move on together and not for me? Why does it mean something has to be wrong when I do? Why should the welfare of my daughter or my ability to be a good parent be questioned when I do? It just kinda makes me wonder if everyone would just be happier again if I went back to being miserable and broken. Like I’ve altered some sort of metaphysical alignment by pursuing wholeness and closure and above all, happiness in my life for myself and my child. Isn’t there enough to go around for all of us?

The simple truth is that I never stopped loving my mother when we didn’t talk. The whole situation broke my heart and made me miserable. I cried and raged over the whole situation and prayed all the time for a resolution to come. My family was there for me and I love them for that but it still didn’t heal the hurt or make me feel any better about being broken. Approaching my thirtieth birthday we were going out a lot (and drinking more than I ever had)¬†and part of it was to be able to cut loose and try to have fun without all those emotions. But then I got pregnant and when you don’t have that option of drowning those feelings out anymore because you’re pregnant and then because you have a little one to care for, something happens: You have to face that darkness again and for once and all make a decision about whether or not you move forward destructively or constructively. I chose the latter and I believe that was the best decision I could have made not just for me but for my daughter too. She was the reason and the driving force behind my decision and always will be from this day forward. I put it all out there to her and made the decision to give this a try. It doesn’t change the past and you never forget but the point was, I didn’t need to carry that anger or resentment in my heart anymore and teach that sadness to my daughter. I had someone else to consider other than myself now. But making that decision didn’t mean that I have no room in my life for anyone else or that now I have to somehow be split from the other part of my family because of it.

Honestly, I just don’t understand why it’s concerning. I get the concern of not wanting me to get hurt again and I appreciate that very much. But I don’t understand why anyone would question for one second that I would put my daughter in harm’s way ever. EVER. I would die a thousand deaths before that ever happened. And besides, it’s not like my mother killed somebody or runs a meth lab. At the end of the day, the whole issue didn’t even involve me as much as it did her and the rest of my family and my simple decision to separate myself from her because of actions I didn’t agree with that were hurtful. What she did may have hurt me but making the decision to keep her out of my daughter’s life would only hurt my daughter in the long run. Look, I grew up with plenty¬†of love and attention but I know what not having my father in my life did to me and I don’t want that for her. I also don’t want that for me because I know what a handful I was growing up with all that uncertainty. Plus, it’s not like everyone hasn’t made bad decisions in their lives that hurt others. We have to move on at some point and let go of the anger and sadness so that we can fully accept happiness. It beats an incomplete life of resentment and anger and then questions from a child that doesn’t understand and then heartbreak and then regret. (Yeah, trust me, I’ve gone over the future of both roads a million times.) The bottom line is that I don’t want my daughter growing up broken. She’s going to experience family feuds from any side of her family at some point but at least she’ll have her whole family and not be questioning and living in confusion over a missing component somewhere out there like I did growing up. She’ll know them all and know that they all love her.

So this road is new for us all. Every day is a new day for us to make new decisions and choices. To be happy or sad. To forgive or let ourselves be poisoned by hanging on to resentment. I have been in the dark for a long time and now that I have the brightest miracle from God here, I want to enjoy the light and be happy. With everyone. I don’t want to choose one side or the other when I can have both. I’m learning and am reminding myself daily that family is family regardless of what they have done. You can’t “unfamily” someone. There will always be that black sheep uncle, that stoner aunt, that know-it-all cousin, the ones that start shit and the ones that keep the peace, the ones that are medicated and¬† those that should be, the ones that take everything lightly and those that take everything seriously. What I’ve learned through this whole experience is that even if you don’t agree with them, they’re always your family. I can love them all and have a good relationship with them all and just because they can’t love each other doesn’t mean that they can’t all love me and be in my life. We are so blessed to have family and I love them all and am so happy that my daughter will grow up with so much love. With all the horrible things happening in this world lately, with all the hate and evil out there, with all these constant reminders that tomorrow is not promised to any of us, it is even more important to live our lives without any regrets and with as much love and happiness as we can while we’re here. That is what God intended for us. All of us.

And lastly I just want to take a minute to let everyone know that I am okay. (Though I’ll be a lot better when my back is back to normal). But try not to read too far into things I¬† comment on or “like” on other people’s Facebook pages. We are human – We can be angry, sad, happy, concerned, sarcastic (and being a woman we can be all those things in one day) and I can appreciate the humor of it in the various ways it gets shared on Facebook. If an e-card gets circulated on my page that is sarcastic, angry, rude or comical, it’s just for the entertainment of others or something I’ve been able to relate to at some point in life that I think others can laugh at or relate to too. If you want to talk or have questions (and don’t want me overanalyzing an email) just call me. But trust me, if I have a problem with someone close to me, I will talk to them about it and when something is weighing heavy on my¬†mind, it definitely won’t be a mystery‚Ķand it definitely won’t be something that will fit on an e-card! lol ūüėČ

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