Shitzenfest: It’s a Pisser


Nothing quite prepares you for a morning like this – Even with all the new found strength my stomach has developed from being a new mom. Apparently the moon was at perfect phase and the planetary alignment just right to spark a wicked marathon with the bellies of our little ones – both the baby and our fur monsters.

The baby leaked through her diaper not once, but twice overnight but that was nothing compared to the gift I received when I entered the kitchen this morning and found a raised relief map of the Smoky Mountains and Fontana Lake…made with the only pliable material the dogs could come up with. It apparently was one of those projects where squatting in one place just won’t do. I’ve got to give it to them, their determination created a damn good likeness (i’ll spare you an actual picture). Their attention to detail was impeccable down to what appeared to be a small village in the valley. It was quite a masterpiece… Just not one i’d like to hang on the fridge. I don’t know how but I’m surprised I didn’t vomit all over it and ruin their work of art.  Good thing I hadn’t eaten yet.

The only thing I can think, other than the possibility that they got ahold of something outside, is that it’s from changing the brand of food they were eating. We have changed their food before without slowly integrating it with their old brand until it’s gone and since we were out of dog food this go round and a different brand was on sale, we figured they’d be fine. Apparently that assessment may have been inaccurate. But don’t worry, they both seemed just as chipper as usual this morning. Maybe more since they were excited to share their masterpiece.

There isn’t really any comparison for the type of dread this sight conjured up first thing in the morning. Washing toilets with a tooth brush doesn’t come close. Baby shit is a pleasant thought compared to this. Standing over a dumpster in 90 degree heat would even be better than this I think. This is the type of thing that makes you want to just grab the baby and what you need and toss a match. The only thing that stopped me was my dreaded hoarder tendency and knowing there’d just be too much to grab. So with a pit in my stomach and armed with my trusty gag reflex – I got the bleach and set out to clean their dirty work. Then, to reward my stomach for not selling me out and just because I’m now apparently a tough mother who laughs in the face of all that is disgusting*, I had breakfast.

* Okay, I didn’t really laugh at anything but since I didn’t cry (or puke) and still had an appetite afterward, we’ll just go with that.

Since we're being honest, I also didn't look anywhere near this 'put together' either. But hey, it's my story.

Since we’re being honest, I also didn’t look anywhere near this ‘put together’ either. But hey, it’s my story.

One response »

  1. Pingback: Farewell to 2013 | The Write Side of Life

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