Category Archives: Death

Only Love


When times get tough, blame runs rampant. It’s easier for people to simply blame somebody else then it is to acknowledge the problem in its entirety, simply because the problem in its entirety is too overwhelming for our souls to absorb. One person isn’t our problem. One political party is not our problem. The hatred that lies in each of us is the problem. It’s the same hatred that pulled the trigger (in all shootings) as it is in the people blaming a completely different person for the act. And hatred is our undoing. 

I pray and I meditate on the goodness that still exists and FOR the goodness to prevail. I pray and I give – money, goods, blood, love. And it hurts my heart when people tell me that that’s not enough. That I apparently need to be going out and hating somebody in order “to be doing something about it”. How does that make sense?!

Evil has existed since long before we were here and unfortunately it will continue to do so long after we’re gone. But hatred only brings out the worst in people. When situations are already so difficult, what good could that do? So I choose love. I will always choose love.

And just for the record, I am a gun owner. I have a conceal carry license (though I rarely do), but I also do support more responsible rules for gun ownership. So do more than 75% of Republicans actually (for those who are just wanting to blame them). I know and love people with very short fuses and mental illness and understand that mental breakdowns are possible in everyone of us. I already have so many fears about the possibilities. The last thing I want to consider is a weapon in the hands of somebody going through that. The trouble is that not all mental illness is detectable. That is why getting something uniform and concrete established is impossible. Because no situation is uniform. No person is the same. Just like this latest shooter. No signs at all. He just broke. He broke and his bad decision lead to the unnecessary deaths and injuries of so many in the blink of an eye.

But what is uniform is that these mental breaks are fueled by hate. By loss. By wicked, competitive, power-hungry, money-hungry and shallow, unimportant desires that drive so many…and all trace back to HATE. Because they lack a true sense of love and the spiritual depth and self-confidence to handle misfortune, rejection, loss, the success of others, hatred against their hate, or just life. (I mean, can you imagine, being enraged with hate because someone hates your hatred of something else)?! What are we becoming here??

So when hate is all around, we need to love more. It is not “inaction” to refuse to spread hate. It is the strongest of wills to choose love in times where hate is the easier option.


So don’t you dare ridicule me when I say I am sending heartfelt thoughts and prayers. When I am harnessing all the power of positivity I can muster in such a dark time. Because it would be way easier to spread hate right now, but then the evil will have won. It’s ok to feel deeply. Just don’t let it make you hate. Be passionate and spread love instead.

Prayers for all the Las Vegas victims and their families. Prayers for Tom Petty’s family and loved ones. Prayers for all the horrible things going on right now. And prayers that we finally start to realize that this hatred is going to consume us all if we don’t stop and let love rule us instead.


Lest We Forget


I haven’t been able to watch the news much this week because it’s a little heartbreaking watching people act out in such a way – from both sides. And today all I can think is what it feels like to be a Veteran seeing these images of burning flags by your own people. What a shame.

While this country is torn and seemingly losing it’s f%@#ing minds, burning flags and terrorizing people and towns, let’s stop and remember what that flag actually stands for…What today actually stands for. It’s meaning goes way beyond who our president is (or isn’t). It is every one of us and all the lives risked (and lost) protecting it.

So before you go supporting any type of violent action against any other human or against that flag, think long and hard about the freedoms you have because of it and those that serve and protect it;

Before you go posting about fleeing this country all because of an election;

Before you go pretending that you and your views are any more important than anyone else’s in this country;

Before you go a moment further being ungrateful for all you have because you are too focused on what you don’t have,

Stop and remember all of those who died and who risk their lives every day protecting our freedoms;

Protecting our rights to protest;

Protecting our rights to vote and be heard;

Protecting us.



We may not all agree on anything when it comes to politics. We may not agree on the need for war at all. But without these brave men and women fighting these wars, you wouldn’t even be able to protest. So I think we should at least all be able to agree that a tremendous thank you is in order (and an “I’m sorry” wouldn’t hurt either).

This month being the month of gratitude and this day being a day of remembrance, let me just say that I am thankful for my hard-working “uneducated white male” husband, my raging lesbian sister, and my many other friends and family who come from so many different (some completely opposite) walks of life and political and religious beliefs but are some of the best people in this world because they remind me every day that in this “land of the free”, even at our ugliest, we can still coexist and love one another despite our differences. I wish the rest of the country could do the same.

And last but certainly not least, I am extremely grateful to all of our veterans past and present and everyone of our servicemen and women for the work they do protecting our freedoms…Even if we use them to act like “spoiled brats” or “deplorables” sometimes. 😉

Thank you.

Thank you to all of our brave men and women serving this country. I am sorry that we act so despicable sometimes and make you feel that we don’t value what you do for us. We owe you everything….Or at least so much more.







Into The Forest 


Into the forest I go; to lose my mind and find my soul

I’ve got lots of favorite quotes about nature but when my mind and heart are heavy I wander around the garden or stare at the sky for a while and am always reminded of this one. It’s so fitting. Sometimes you just need to escape your thoughts and worries and just vibe with the planet to try to gain peace and clarity.

My mind is full of worry this week and there are so many I know going through difficult times right now too. So many prayer requests recently and so many more unspoken.

But I believe there is power in numbers. So whatever you believe in, could you just take a minute to send out some positive thoughts and energy? If some float my way too I sure won’t complain, but right now I just hope they can help bring healing, comfort and peace to those I know who need it.

And to that end I leave you with another loved quote –

The wound is the place where the light enters you”.

I hope whatever pain and difficulties you are facing now bring you to peace and happiness tomorrow. And may you be a beacon to someone else in their time of need.



Savor Even The Worst Days


Timehop reminded me that on this day last year we received the good news that we were having another baby. If only that excitement could have lasted.

There’s no denying the sting that hits me every time it comes up (or like when I get emails from companies I could’ve sworn I unsubscribed from reminding me when I was due or that my baby should be ten weeks old, etc., etc). But that sting is just a reminder that it was real. That there was real joy there. Real love. Love that I am realizing will never fade no matter how much time passes.

There’s no way around it nor do I have any desire to pretend it didn’t happen. I don’t think there will ever be a day that I am free from thought of it…And that part I’m okay with; Because it was a blessing and an exciting few months while it lasted and, just like with Adriana, I savored Every. Single. Moment.

I was honored to carry that life even if it was only for a short time. It kills me when I hear people complaining about their child(ren) or their pregnancy because, even though they have every right to feel like crap or have bad days, and it’s totally understandable, I still would give anything to be experiencing it all – pains, discomforts, sleepless nights, and all.

So savor every moment – Even the worst days. Enjoy every beautiful, aggravating minute of parenting. Every day of morning sickness or those “pregnancy-blah” feelings. Remind yourself just how blessed you are to have those bad days every now and then that are surrounded by all the good ones.

And rest in peace to that sweet little soul that left too soon. ❤️

No Longer (Farewell to 2015)

In an empty field I find myself

Mowed of its bounty overgrown;
Now barren and empty-

It’s deepest secrets exposed.
And in the crisp approaching winter’s breeze,

I smell the earth and the dying leaves.
The decaying year soon coming to close

As too perhaps my eyes on their sorrows.
Another year approaching, a beginning anew;

The fog is lifting and once again I can see;

Still conscious that it’s without you.
My world turned cold the day you left

And it’s been winter ever since; 

Searching for what couldn’t be. 

Wishing for you to return to me.
I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m not alright.

The days pass by and turn to night. 

Flashes of me here and there,

Hiding behind a shaky stare.
I don’t want to numb it 

But I can’t let it out;

I can’t get rid of it 

And I don’t want to be without.
Never the same;

Forever changed.
Coming to life amidst the rubble 

And then crumbling back down;

How can I feel so alien in my world 

And yet still smile while inside I frown?
I feel like I’m now two people – 

One me and one that’s broken;

One that smiles and laughs and jokes 

And an even more fragile one awoken.
Something was taken from me, but yet will never leave. 

Things don’t make sense, but make sense perfectly.
The depth of my emotions magnified -

Whether in spite of or because of it, I don’t know. 

Staring out – it’s the same window, the same world,
Completely different though.
Life goes on and people buzz along, 

Unknowing, uncaring, unchanged.

And I try to absorb their indifference
Unaffected, unbroken, mundane.
There should be another place setting

Another stocking by the fire;

There should be a happier ending to this year

And not just an aching, fruitless desire.
I may never return from the dark,

It seems now the dark is part of me; 

I may never try again

For fear it will consume me entirely.
But still I can feel the spring in my veins
Reminding me to live once again.

Seeing an island while I was lost at sea. 

Bits of myself returning to me.
The new year approaches and brings a promise:
That although broken, I can go on;

That I can laugh, and smile, and sing 

Even though you’re gone.
That although I cry I can still be joyful
And my joy does not need to be obscured;
That just because you are no longer
Doesn’t mean you never were.
                                                                                                       -Stephanie Rader, The Write Side of Life
2015 has been a difficult year though it was still filled with many blessings and joyful moments for which I am incredibly grateful. Things may never be “the same” again but I suppose those changes build who we are – Even if sometimes those building blocks are just the broken pieces of ourselves. Still, I hope that 2016 is a bit more kind to us all.
Happy New Year ❤

Gratitude & Grief 


I am reading poetry in front of a warm, crackling fire. My sweet (though slightly sick) babygirl is nestled beside me and our furbabies are cuddled up snoozing beside her. There is music flowing through the house and my husband is in his chair nearby enjoying a glass of bourbon with a full belly after a wonderful home-cooked meal. Everyone is comfortable and my loved ones are all safe… There may be a million things going wrong, but in today’s tumultuous times these are the simplest and the greatest blessings to be thankful for. As full of gratitude as it may be, my heart aches and wishes for healing to come to this planet. 



Praying for Peace & Healing

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness


Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. Sharing my story let me know I was not alone in our loss. The road to healing is a long one. In fact, I’m not sure it ever ends. Day by day I remind myself to focus on the positive things though that emptiness and sadness still linger – Always ready for me to break down into tears; Always reminding me of what never was. It makes what I have that much more important. That much more sacred. But it does not erase that reminder of what was lost. These situations are much more common than you know. If you’ve lost a child don’t be afraid to reach out. You are not alone in this. And may the many angels lost rest in peace.


The Write Side of Life - Lost Child Monument

The Write Side of Life - I wanted that child

The Write Side of Life - Ask My Mom How She Is

The Write Side of Life - 10 Stages of Mother who has lost a child

How Do You Survive A Miscarriage?


I was 12 weeks pregnant and at the photo center picking up our latest family pictures when I suddenly got that strange feeling that I had just started my period. Rushing to the bathroom with my two year old daughter in tow, I was greeted with exactly that. But wait, I thought – That couldn’t be. Entering my second trimester, I definitely wasn’t supposed to be having a menstrual cycle. The sight of blood is probably near the top of any pregnant woman’s worst fear and so, leaving my cart behind, I swiftly made my way out of the store dialing my OB’s numbers along the way.

Panicking in the car on the phone with my doctor’s office while they scrambled between all of their offices to find someone who could squeeze me into their packed schedule, I stopped at home and changed my pants, grabbed a pad and headed to their office for what seemed like incessant waiting. Waiting rooms are agony but they give you time to reflect. Motherhood is such an amazing thing…To have your heart walking around outside of your body in your children. Their smile. Their laughter. Living only for their joy. Words cannot express.

And there are just no words for that moment when the ultrasound screen lights up and that once fluttering little heart is undetectable. When there is no movement. You feel, but you don’t know what to feel. What I do know is that in that moment of seeing the flatline where there once was a beating melody, I think I flatlined too. You become uncomfortably numb. The only sign of life: the silent, steady stream of tears followed by low sobs.

It’s a special kind of torture to have a lifeless child within your own body. A child whose heart was beating steadily just weeks before. And the unknown of the days ahead. Waiting. Passing. Waiting. Wondering. WAITING. There are a million questions and no right answers. These things, they just happen. You can do everything right and they still just happen. They just happen and we somehow move forward from here. And here you are. Just here. Just waiting. And comfortably numb.

The afternoon I left the doctor, the sunshine was hidden by an overcast sky. It was comforting at least that God didn’t send a bright sunshiny day to greet me and the horrible news I’d just received. I find solace in the sky every day and I just don’t know if I could have beared to have it beaming and smiling down on me like a fake friend that day. I imagine it would have made the sting that much worse. I was greeted that night by not just a giant full moon but a red one at that. Watching as it rose between streaks of black clouds I thanked God again for at least giving me this time to bond with nature through my news and to have that moment. It’s like that “take a minute to fall apart and then clean yourself up” that your mother always told you. I didn’t sleep at all that night.

And the next day, the sun was back and my two year old was ready to enjoy it. It’s strange when you think about it. Standing there with the sprinkler on watching her play and smiling at her while you’re carrying this darkness inside of you. While you’re waiting for your body to expel what was yesterday supposed to be a beautiful new baby this fall. Thank God that two year olds are ruled by joy. Thank God that they make that joy so infectious. Thank God for this full-time/all-the-time job that keeps you busy so you can’t dwell on what is going on under your skin.

What’s tricky is trying to find a way to go back to acting normal without feeling guilty somehow. Is it okay to publicly “Like” that article you just read on Facebook that was read while you were passing time passing clots, even though it was light-hearted or borderline silly? Then you do anyway because in that darkest moment, you are so thankful to hear news or read an article that’s not laced with negativity or misery; For something positive and alive…the way you used to feel. Because it reminds you of that and throws you a rope so you can start to climb back to the light.

You ponder what’s wrong with you even though you know, as adamant as you are about personal health while pregnant, there was absolutely nothing you could have done differently. You remind yourself a million times a day of the doctor’s words. “These things just happen”. They just happen and there’s nothing you can do sometimes to prevent it.

You say a million wrong things trying to comfort your spouse and then give up and just spend plenty of time being silent, but somehow still being comforted just being together in your silence. Sometimes there are no words. Sometimes you just have to rely on the presence to pull you through; Finding appreciation in having someone else who is going through this with you so you are not alone.

You question God and then find a deeper faith in Him even though you have no idea what His reasons are sometimes. You marvel at the beauty of life around you and find a deeper appreciation (if that’s possible) for mother nature. Every tiny petal on the flowers in your garden – Life: So delicate; So beautiful. You listen to the tiny baby birds in their nests above your porch and find peace in their songs. You cry for your loss but keep faith that what is meant to be will be. Because it would be easy to focus on what has been taken away from you if it weren’t for all the blessings so abundantly present in your life.

You swallow back the lump that rises in your throat when seemingly everyone around you announces they’re expecting. You count your blessings and gather your composure and then wish them the deepest, most heartfelt congratulations…Because you now realize even more just how much of a miracle it is to actually have a baby – All of the many things that need to align perfectly to make it happen. And you know what a blessing they are about to receive and the joy it will bring to their lives and regardless of whether it will ever happen to you again, you want nothing but the greatest happiness and love for your friends. Truly.

You avoid social gatherings because you know you won’t be able to stomach small talk and yet, don’t want to be the sobbing mess you will become when it comes up. And when you do have to go out, you avoid eye contact knowing that at any given moment you may break down into tears; And are always just on the verge. You learn that you are not alone and you find a sort of secret sisterhood that you never knew existed before in friends and family who have gone through the same things – Some multiple times – and you find an even greater love and respect for them than you had before admiring how strong they are. And then remind yourself that you are too.

You watch your child(ren) and let their joy remind you that even though you don’t know why this is happening, you still have so much to be thankful for. You let their joy radiate to your soul and fill the dark crevices with sunshine once again. You stop caring what people may think of you and your toddler if she’s screaming Disney tunes in the grocery store and instead throw your social cautions to the side and join her because you finally realize: This is what life is – It’s finding the silver linings in the darkness. It’s seeking positivity in the worst of times. It’s keeping faith. It’s choosing happiness and not allowing the grief to win. It’s focusing on what you have and not what has been taken away.

You find a greater perspective in all things. A deeper knowledge and understanding. A vulnerability. A greater compassion for people… And life. A greater appreciation. An even deeper gratitude. And love…Love for life. Love for family. Love for friends. And love from the broken heart that still beats for the heart that beats no longer.

So how do you survive after having a miscarriage? The answer is: I don’t know. I don’t know but, somehow, you just do.

There is an ache in this hollowness that I'm scared won't go away...And yet also somewhat scared that it will. It's hard to make sense of some things. But I just keep reciting this to myself.

There is an ache in this hollowness that I’m scared won’t go away…And yet also somewhat scared that it will. It’s hard to make sense of some things. But I just keep reciting this to myself.



**I have found through this experience that we all can help to heal one another through sharing our journeys. If you or someone you love have experienced a loss or miscarriage, please feel free to share your story  in the comments below.  And please accept my deepest sympathy. Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. If you have questions about what you are going through or need someone to talk to please feel free to email me at: 

Hang in there. <3

Hang in there. ❤


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Thought For The Day


Listen, I don’t pretend to have all the answers but I like to think I have a pretty good idea. I know there were two significant things that happened today and both are linked to two of the major divides of this country – A big decision by the Supreme Court and a funeral procession of one of our local police officers.

Watching the funeral procession of Officer Sonny Kim, a jewel of his community and a wonderful person, I can’t help but cry. Seeing his karate students and their sign that they are his legacy made me both sentimental and so uncertain of just what legacy the rest of us are leaving behind. We live in a terribly difficult time where hatred runs rampant; Where so much misunderstanding abounds. And I still don’t have all the answers but for today I just want to, I just NEED to believe that whatever is done with love has to be something done for the good.

We need more love in this world. We need more knowledge. We need more understanding. We need more people like Kim. We need to find the true jewels of life and honor them NOW and not when it’s too late; Not when the good has all gone dry.

So live your life… To the fullest; Because nobody is guaranteed tomorrow and nobody gets out alive. Take care – with yourself and with this planet. Do everything you possibly can to leave this world better than it was when you entered it and to make your life the happiest it can possibly be while you’re on it. And while you’re at it, it wouldn’t hurt to try make other lives a little happier too. Spread the sunshine, folks.

And regardless of where your opinions lie with either of today’s events, #DoAllThingsWithLove