Tag Archives: blessings

No Longer (Farewell to 2015)

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In an empty field I find myself

Mowed of its bounty overgrown;
Now barren and empty-

It’s deepest secrets exposed.
 
And in the crisp approaching winter’s breeze,

I smell the earth and the dying leaves.
The decaying year soon coming to close

As too perhaps my eyes on their sorrows.
 
Another year approaching, a beginning anew;

The fog is lifting and once again I can see;

Still conscious that it’s without you.
 
My world turned cold the day you left

And it’s been winter ever since; 

Searching for what couldn’t be. 

Wishing for you to return to me.
 
I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m not alright.

The days pass by and turn to night. 

Flashes of me here and there,

Hiding behind a shaky stare.
 
I don’t want to numb it 

But I can’t let it out;

I can’t get rid of it 

And I don’t want to be without.
 
Never the same;

Forever changed.
 
Coming to life amidst the rubble 

And then crumbling back down;

How can I feel so alien in my world 

And yet still smile while inside I frown?
 
I feel like I’m now two people – 

One me and one that’s broken;

One that smiles and laughs and jokes 

And an even more fragile one awoken.
 
Something was taken from me, but yet will never leave. 

Things don’t make sense, but make sense perfectly.
 
The depth of my emotions magnified -

Whether in spite of or because of it, I don’t know. 

Staring out – it’s the same window, the same world,
Completely different though.
 
Life goes on and people buzz along, 

Unknowing, uncaring, unchanged.

And I try to absorb their indifference
-
Unaffected, unbroken, mundane.
 
There should be another place setting

Another stocking by the fire;

There should be a happier ending to this year

And not just an aching, fruitless desire.
 
I may never return from the dark,

It seems now the dark is part of me; 

I may never try again

For fear it will consume me entirely.
 
But still I can feel the spring in my veins
Reminding me to live once again.

Seeing an island while I was lost at sea. 

Bits of myself returning to me.
 
The new year approaches and brings a promise:
That although broken, I can go on;

That I can laugh, and smile, and sing 

Even though you’re gone.
 
That although I cry I can still be joyful
And my joy does not need to be obscured;
That just because you are no longer
Doesn’t mean you never were.
                                                                                                       -Stephanie Rader, The Write Side of Life
2015 has been a difficult year though it was still filled with many blessings and joyful moments for which I am incredibly grateful. Things may never be “the same” again but I suppose those changes build who we are – Even if sometimes those building blocks are just the broken pieces of ourselves. Still, I hope that 2016 is a bit more kind to us all.
Happy New Year ❤

Gratitude & Grief 

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I am reading poetry in front of a warm, crackling fire. My sweet (though slightly sick) babygirl is nestled beside me and our furbabies are cuddled up snoozing beside her. There is music flowing through the house and my husband is in his chair nearby enjoying a glass of bourbon with a full belly after a wonderful home-cooked meal. Everyone is comfortable and my loved ones are all safe… There may be a million things going wrong, but in today’s tumultuous times these are the simplest and the greatest blessings to be thankful for. As full of gratitude as it may be, my heart aches and wishes for healing to come to this planet. 
#PrayingForParis

#PrayingForHumanity 

#PrayingForPeace 

Praying for Peace & Healing

Thanksgiving 2013

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This time last year I had a little turkey of my own taking up turkey & dressing space in my belly. I thought I had an idea of what was to come with her but I was way off. It has been so much more than I could have ever dreamed.

I thought about writing out all I am thankful for but there is just too much to even try and one day is never enough.  I appreciate all I have and those I share it with so much – on this and every day.

 

Turkey Day Sunrise - It was a beauty outside my window this morning

Turkey Day Sunrise – It was a beauty outside my window this morning

 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you have more blessings than you can count.  And may your waistbands be as big as your appetites today.

 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

31

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Today I turned 31. 31 is a boring age to turn. It’s kinda like when you turned 22 – with your Sweet 16 so far behind you, your 18th a memory and the big 21 a foggy haze. Now all I have to look forward to is 40 and 50 and any other decades God decides to let me enjoy here. Somehow those don’t seem like they’ll be as exciting as those former ones.

30 was fun. At the oncoming of 30 we went out a lot. It was a few weeks of celebrating… Drinking, dancing, singing and just trying to be young again and forget that I was about to be 30. My middle name was Vodka & Cranberry. My motto was “I’ll have another”. In fact, I put my money on the Kentucky Derby horse “I’ll Have Another” because of that…and it WON! It seemed everything was perfectly in place with me and the universe. Like the stars were aligned with my coming of the age and what I didn’t know was about to happen. But looking back, it was all coming together so harmoniously it was obviously destined to be.

So much can happen in one year. If you would have told me last year that on my birthday this year I’d be home with a baby and wouldn’t be working at the office anymore I’d have probably laughed at you and then told you to have another…with me. I went from being a workaholic who dedicated her entire life to the office and making someone else millions to working at home, raising an insanely beautiful baby girl that I can’t quit staring at, and pursuing my own dream and family’s happiness.

I have had 29 come up several times in my life by older women. Women I looked up to in their 40’s and 50’s who said 29 resonated with them and was a huge chapter of their life; when the song “Landslide” had a deeper meaning and so did the world. For it to have come up so much over the years, I should have taken it as a sign for myself that 29 would also resonate with me too. It was the beginning of the butterfly’s metamorphosis. 29 said goodbye to a whole different life and welcomed a totally new one with 30. Now 31 basks happily in the aftermath and thanks God for  all of these blessings.

At 29 I thought I had it all – the husband, the marriage, the job. At 30 I realized there was still so much more (and was preparing myself to embrace it). At 31 I am appreciating that “so much more”. I had to cut out some things to make room for it but it was totally worth it. I hung up the incessant office phone and nasty people for housework, projects, a blog and my camera phone. I put out the cigarettes for a fresh breath of healthy living for me and my baby. I cashed out the weekly paychecks for a more rewarding job. I snuffed the burning whole in my heart for a new, better relationship with my family.  I devoted my body to the creation of another life and gained the deepest sense of purpose and love I’ve ever known.

New roads, mended bridges, and a clearer and more positive outlook on life and the future. In the past year I have won and lost. I have grown and expanded (mentally as well as physically). I have reunited and multiplied. I’ve learned and grown so much more than even I thought possible. Everything has changed. I have always been so afraid of change too. It’s ironic that my happiest time would come after such a huge change. It’s helping me to understand that change isn’t so bad and not to fear it so much. 31 is here and smiles joyfully at all we’ve accomplished in as many years. I’m so appreciative for all that I have and the blessings I have received. My family, my husband, our daughter, our happiness, this life, and this next chapter. (Ha! And here I thought I had it all at 29). So I guess 31 isn’t such a boring age after all. 🙂

May's Flower: Lily of the Valley

May’s Flower: Lily of the Valley

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