In an empty field I find myself
Mowed of its bounty overgrown;
Now barren and empty-
It’s deepest secrets exposed.
And in the crisp approaching winter’s breeze,
I smell the earth and the dying leaves.
The decaying year soon coming to close
As too perhaps my eyes on their sorrows.
Another year approaching, a beginning anew;
The fog is lifting and once again I can see;
Still conscious that it’s without you.
My world turned cold the day you left
And it’s been winter ever since;
Searching for what couldn’t be.
Wishing for you to return to me.
I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m not alright.
The days pass by and turn to night.
Flashes of me here and there,
Hiding behind a shaky stare.
I don’t want to numb it
But I can’t let it out;
I can’t get rid of it
And I don’t want to be without.
Never the same;
Coming to life amidst the rubble
And then crumbling back down;
How can I feel so alien in my world
And yet still smile while inside I frown?
I feel like I’m now two people –
One me and one that’s broken;
One that smiles and laughs and jokes
And an even more fragile one awoken.
Something was taken from me, but yet will never leave.
Things don’t make sense, but make sense perfectly.
The depth of my emotions magnified -
Whether in spite of or because of it, I don’t know.
Staring out – it’s the same window, the same world,
Completely different though.
Life goes on and people buzz along,
Unknowing, uncaring, unchanged.
And I try to absorb their indifference
Unaffected, unbroken, mundane.
There should be another place setting
Another stocking by the fire;
There should be a happier ending to this year
And not just an aching, fruitless desire.
I may never return from the dark,
It seems now the dark is part of me;
I may never try again
For fear it will consume me entirely.
But still I can feel the spring in my veins
Reminding me to live once again.
Seeing an island while I was lost at sea.
Bits of myself returning to me.
The new year approaches and brings a promise:
That although broken, I can go on;
That I can laugh, and smile, and sing
Even though you’re gone.
That although I cry I can still be joyful
And my joy does not need to be obscured;
That just because you are no longer
Doesn’t mean you never were.
-Stephanie Rader, The Write Side of Life
2015 has been a difficult year though it was still filled with many blessings and joyful moments for which I am incredibly grateful. Things may never be “the same” again but I suppose those changes build who we are – Even if sometimes those building blocks are just the broken pieces of ourselves. Still, I hope that 2016 is a bit more kind to us all.
Happy New Year ❤