Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. Sharing my story let me know I was not alone in our loss. The road to healing is a long one. In fact, I’m not sure it ever ends. Day by day I remind myself to focus on the positive things though that emptiness and sadness still linger – Always ready for me to break down into tears; Always reminding me of what never was. It makes what I have that much more important. That much more sacred. But it does not erase that reminder of what was lost. These situations are much more common than you know. If you’ve lost a child don’t be afraid to reach out. You are not alone in this. And may the many angels lost rest in peace.
“The hard part isn’t the first step, or the second step [on the way towards your goal]. It’s the 5th, 6th and 7th steps when you’re in so deep you forget why you took that initial step in the first place. The middle of the tunnel, when you left the light behind you but you can’t yet see it in front of you either. When you have to trust that whatever ‘insane’ notion came over you to take the first step is still worth it now that you don’t see where it’s headed anymore. That’s the hard part of doing something big/great. It’s when you’re halfway up the mountain and you’re too far up to turn back but you can’t see the summit camp yet.”
I don’t pretend to know it all and I don’t expect anyone to agree with me about everything but I do know that when it comes to life, I refuse to let my mind be filled with negativity or focus on petty, insignificant things simply because things like this right here exist in the world…Because even if I am in the middle of a hard time, all around us the beauty and magic of this planet still scream to be noticed…Because to see something like this happen proves there is a god; And if there is a god then there must be hope; And as long as there is hope I can have faith that everything will be okay.
Take a minute today to just soak in a bit of the beauty around you. Channel out the noise and negativity for a moment and realize just how very blessed we are to be here. And if you are going through struggles, don’t let them break you – Let them transform you. ❤️
Feel free to share a picture of your happy place and the beauty you notice today!
Hey everyone! I’m doing a Facebook giveaway at the shop this week! These speckled mugs are a pretty popular item in the shop and one lucky winner is going to win one in their letter & color of choice!
You can get the deets & enter at the shop Facebook page (facebook.com/pages/Tulip-Garden-Gifts). Winner will be drawn at random on Sunday! Good luck!!
The shop is also on Instagram too! (@tulipgardengifts)
I was 12 weeks pregnant and at the photo center picking up our latest family pictures when I suddenly got that strange feeling that I had just started my period. Rushing to the bathroom with my two year old daughter in tow, I was greeted with exactly that. But wait, I thought – That couldn’t be. Entering my second trimester, I definitely wasn’t supposed to be having a menstrual cycle. The sight of blood is probably near the top of any pregnant woman’s worst fear and so, leaving my cart behind, I swiftly made my way out of the store dialing my OB’s numbers along the way.
Panicking in the car on the phone with my doctor’s office while they scrambled between all of their offices to find someone who could squeeze me into their packed schedule, I stopped at home and changed my pants, grabbed a pad and headed to their office for what seemed like incessant waiting. Waiting rooms are agony but they give you time to reflect. Motherhood is such an amazing thing…To have your heart walking around outside of your body in your children. Their smile. Their laughter. Living only for their joy. Words cannot express.
And there are just no words for that moment when the ultrasound screen lights up and that once fluttering little heart is undetectable. When there is no movement. You feel, but you don’t know what to feel. What I do know is that in that moment of seeing the flatline where there once was a beating melody, I think I flatlined too. You become uncomfortably numb. The only sign of life: the silent, steady stream of tears followed by low sobs.
It’s a special kind of torture to have a lifeless child within your own body. A child whose heart was beating steadily just weeks before. And the unknown of the days ahead. Waiting. Passing. Waiting. Wondering. WAITING. There are a million questions and no right answers. These things, they just happen. You can do everything right and they still just happen. They just happen and we somehow move forward from here. And here you are. Just here. Just waiting. And comfortably numb.
The afternoon I left the doctor, the sunshine was hidden by an overcast sky. It was comforting at least that God didn’t send a bright sunshiny day to greet me and the horrible news I’d just received. I find solace in the sky every day and I just don’t know if I could have beared to have it beaming and smiling down on me like a fake friend that day. I imagine it would have made the sting that much worse. I was greeted that night by not just a giant full moon but a red one at that. Watching as it rose between streaks of black clouds I thanked God again for at least giving me this time to bond with nature through my news and to have that moment. It’s like that “take a minute to fall apart and then clean yourself up” that your mother always told you. I didn’t sleep at all that night.
And the next day, the sun was back and my two year old was ready to enjoy it. It’s strange when you think about it. Standing there with the sprinkler on watching her play and smiling at her while you’re carrying this darkness inside of you. While you’re waiting for your body to expel what was yesterday supposed to be a beautiful new baby this fall. Thank God that two year olds are ruled by joy. Thank God that they make that joy so infectious. Thank God for this full-time/all-the-time job that keeps you busy so you can’t dwell on what is going on under your skin.
What’s tricky is trying to find a way to go back to acting normal without feeling guilty somehow. Is it okay to publicly “Like” that article you just read on Facebook that was read while you were passing time passing clots, even though it was light-hearted or borderline silly? Then you do anyway because in that darkest moment, you are so thankful to hear news or read an article that’s not laced with negativity or misery; For something positive and alive…the way you used to feel. Because it reminds you of that and throws you a rope so you can start to climb back to the light.
You ponder what’s wrong with you even though you know, as adamant as you are about personal health while pregnant, there was absolutely nothing you could have done differently. You remind yourself a million times a day of the doctor’s words. “These things just happen”. They just happen and there’s nothing you can do sometimes to prevent it.
You say a million wrong things trying to comfort your spouse and then give up and just spend plenty of time being silent, but somehow still being comforted just being together in your silence. Sometimes there are no words. Sometimes you just have to rely on the presence to pull you through; Finding appreciation in having someone else who is going through this with you so you are not alone.
You question God and then find a deeper faith in Him even though you have no idea what His reasons are sometimes. You marvel at the beauty of life around you and find a deeper appreciation (if that’s possible) for mother nature. Every tiny petal on the flowers in your garden – Life: So delicate; So beautiful. You listen to the tiny baby birds in their nests above your porch and find peace in their songs. You cry for your loss but keep faith that what is meant to be will be. Because it would be easy to focus on what has been taken away from you if it weren’t for all the blessings so abundantly present in your life.
You swallow back the lump that rises in your throat when seemingly everyone around you announces they’re expecting. You count your blessings and gather your composure and then wish them the deepest, most heartfelt congratulations…Because you now realize even more just how much of a miracle it is to actually have a baby – All of the many things that need to align perfectly to make it happen. And you know what a blessing they are about to receive and the joy it will bring to their lives and regardless of whether it will ever happen to you again, you want nothing but the greatest happiness and love for your friends. Truly.
You avoid social gatherings because you know you won’t be able to stomach small talk and yet, don’t want to be the sobbing mess you will become when it comes up. And when you do have to go out, you avoid eye contact knowing that at any given moment you may break down into tears; And are always just on the verge. You learn that you are not alone and you find a sort of secret sisterhood that you never knew existed before in friends and family who have gone through the same things – Some multiple times – and you find an even greater love and respect for them than you had before admiring how strong they are. And then remind yourself that you are too.
You watch your child(ren) and let their joy remind you that even though you don’t know why this is happening, you still have so much to be thankful for. You let their joy radiate to your soul and fill the dark crevices with sunshine once again. You stop caring what people may think of you and your toddler if she’s screaming Disney tunes in the grocery store and instead throw your social cautions to the side and join her because you finally realize: This is what life is – It’s finding the silver linings in the darkness. It’s seeking positivity in the worst of times. It’s keeping faith. It’s choosing happiness and not allowing the grief to win. It’s focusing on what you have and not what has been taken away.
You find a greater perspective in all things. A deeper knowledge and understanding. A vulnerability. A greater compassion for people… And life. A greater appreciation. An even deeper gratitude. And love…Love for life. Love for family. Love for friends. And love from the broken heart that still beats for the heart that beats no longer.
So how do you survive after having a miscarriage? The answer is: I don’t know. I don’t know but, somehow, you just do.
**I have found through this experience that we all can help to heal one another through sharing our journeys. If you or someone you love have experienced a loss or miscarriage, please feel free to share your story in the comments below. And please accept my deepest sympathy. Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. If you have questions about what you are going through or need someone to talk to please feel free to email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Listen, I don’t pretend to have all the answers but I like to think I have a pretty good idea. I know there were two significant things that happened today and both are linked to two of the major divides of this country – A big decision by the Supreme Court and a funeral procession of one of our local police officers.
Watching the funeral procession of Officer Sonny Kim, a jewel of his community and a wonderful person, I can’t help but cry. Seeing his karate students and their sign that they are his legacy made me both sentimental and so uncertain of just what legacy the rest of us are leaving behind. We live in a terribly difficult time where hatred runs rampant; Where so much misunderstanding abounds. And I still don’t have all the answers but for today I just want to, I just NEED to believe that whatever is done with love has to be something done for the good.
We need more love in this world. We need more knowledge. We need more understanding. We need more people like Kim. We need to find the true jewels of life and honor them NOW and not when it’s too late; Not when the good has all gone dry.
So live your life… To the fullest; Because nobody is guaranteed tomorrow and nobody gets out alive. Take care – with yourself and with this planet. Do everything you possibly can to leave this world better than it was when you entered it and to make your life the happiest it can possibly be while you’re on it. And while you’re at it, it wouldn’t hurt to try make other lives a little happier too. Spread the sunshine, folks.
And regardless of where your opinions lie with either of today’s events, #DoAllThingsWithLove
I’ve been busy lately…Well, busier than usual (with the usual being home renovations, new chickens, and a two year old).
But this week I’ve been working on these…
And this that complements it so perfectly that it must be love…
I made two sets – one solid and one two-toned and I can’t decide which I like best…
The hand distressing and staining process may take a little while to achieve that finish but man it’s worth it!
I’ve got some other projects coming up for the shop and house soon so stick around!
You can check out these items and others in my Tulip Garden Gifts Etsy Shop
And you can check out my shop’s Facebook page too!
Because I could never pass up an opportunity to remix a rap song…
Alright stop, collaborate and listen:
Wait, Ice is a thief and headed to prison???
They say that the cops grabbed a hold of him tightly,
After breakin’ into houses daily and nightly.
Will he ever stop? Yo, I don’t know –
It’s boosting the ratings of his show.
To the extreme he renovates like a vandal,
Lootin’ neighbors houses it was a scandal.
Secondhand, the decor in his room,
Cuz he snatched it up, even took their broom!
In trouble, as I play this dope melody,
Cuz VanWinkle’s facing a felony.
Love it or leave it, Hey the shit was free!
At least so he thought when he stepped on the scene.
If there’s a problem, Rob will solve it
Checking with the network, can they dissolve it?
“Heist Ice” baby, he’s plottin’ heists, Ice Baby…
Now that the apprentice is “Trumping”
And he’s back to his daily humping.
He’s quick to the point, or to the joint, no faking,
Because of all the loot that he’s been taking.
Steadily, as he crept in windows
chandeliers, tv’s and stereos
I guess he’s a thief, and I’m just a poet,
Old Suge’s up in prison yellin’ “don’t I know it!”
“Heist Ice” baby, He’s plottin’ heists, Ice Baby.
“Heist Ice” baby, He’s plottin’ heists, Ice Baby. …
Love you Rob!! xox
Yeah I think most in the northeast could agree, Elsa.
Sore throat weather and this blustering cold means a hot toddy in the afternoon for mommy & daddy. Want a blend sure to beat the rest? I add a dash of ginger to mine and just a kick of cayenne to boost immunity. 😉